Bad Joke Theater

Whats the difference between jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
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I went on a 30-day diet, and lost 30 days.
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I swear to God I must be the only true optimist left on the planet.
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You couldn't get a stroke of genius if you were giving a handjob to Einstein.
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Female>: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
General>: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
Female>: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
General>: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
Female>: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
General>: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
Female>: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
General>: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
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"Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'
*BEEP*
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
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I read the obituaries to make sure i'm not there.
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I'm so horny, its like someones licking the crotch of my voodoo doll.