Can I get an order of Drama, with a side of Drama?
Enter the Drama: Ok, here's what basically happened. The short, short version. I was with this girl, Cristina, sort of. We weren't together, but we were cared for each other, a lot. More than most individuals would. We had a thing, purely emotional, I swear. Yes, backwards aren't I? But in the end, after some drama (oh god, that is like another 10 chapters), after a year of not talking to each other, we started being freinds again. Freinds, nothing more, just friends. Close freinds, granted, but nothing beyond that.
Enter the Best Freind: We chatted, and I somehow (I honestly don't remember how/when) get to start chatting with Tasha, who was apparently her best freind. Though I never knew this, the times I visited Cristina and never met Tasha, I found it odd. So we chat, and we hit it off, and are great friends too. But, alas, she has a boyfreind, and to this, I say, excellent. We can remain freinds, and I will support you both in your relationship because I want my freinds to be happy.
Enter the Break Up: Tasha, and Devon (her now-ex), had some bumpy roads in the past. He broke up with her initially, then they got back together, and now she wants to break up with him. I, liking them both immensely, was saddened at this fact. I talked to them both, trying to see if there was any hope, but alas, she was dedicated in her descision.
Enter the Drama (part II): She breaks up with him. I later find out, through Devon's freind (whom is also very close to me, and closer to Devon) tells it as 'it was bound to happen' sort of thing. Me, saddened that they broke up, stilled talked to them both a bit. But, being who I am, femenine by default, I chatted more with her. He was also similar to me, but distanced himself, a lot, from both of us. And then ... the concert happened ... and after a couple of days ... I didn't mean to, but ... I started liking her.
Feelings, nothing more than feelings: What do I do? This wasn't until a week or two after they broke up, and yet, it felt too soon. I felt torn, and felt like a traitor (I didn't know it at the time, but she felt the same way, and wanted to get close too). I tried to bury these feelings, as I tend to do, because emotions kick my ass, and get me all screwed up. Meanwhile, I try to just be friends with her, chatting with her, my Ex, us three, all toghther happy as freinds, yay.
Drama, Drama, Drama: After a while, Tasha and I both know... maybe not conciously, but we both know. We both ... feel a certain way. So, it comes up in conversation. As complicated as it is, I decide it's best to get it out of the way, you know? See if she thinks of me like that, if so... then I'd be happy, if not, then I'd be glad with just being freinds... but she didn't say no ... she didn't say yes ... she said, she's thinking about it. I guess that means yes, right? But she's conflicted. "You're sort of her Ex", and "What about Devon?", and "I feel like I'm stealing you from Cristina..." I let her work things out, and help where i can, until then, we continue, being freinds, sorting out our feelings as time goes on.
Drama, take four: "Does Tasha hate me? T_T" she asked me, my Ex, that is. "HUH?" I thought, I had no idea. "When did she start doing this?" I honestly didn't know about this, she showed me no signs of distancing from her. And I thought, "Oh, I think I know why", as foolishly as I could possibly say. "I think its... because ... well, Tasha and I ... we sort of have a thing ... ^_^:" being silly, blushy schoolgirl quality smile, and manerisms, as I tend to have. The response, not quite what I was hoping for. "..oh ... you and her? OH... I get it now." "???" I thought. I was hoping for affection, for acknowledgement even, but I get something completely different. She, who grew up with a lifetime of betrayal and backstabbing, felt that it was happening again.
Wrath..? : She was angry. No, this isn't what I wanted. What? No, please ... I couldn't say anything that wouldn't make it worse. "I didn't think it would be this big of a deal..." "OH, I ONLY LOVED YOU BEFORE" she replied, angry as I have ever seen, but never aimed towards me, or around me. "Why Tasha? WHY HER? My best freind, why?" I didn't know what to say. I didn't mean it like that, I didn't do it on purpose, oh god, what have I done? We weren't even sure our relationship was anything, we just wanted to see ... what it could be come, we were still just freinds. But it was too late now, and I felt horrible.
Isolation: She does this a lot, isolate herself from me, from things, problems, whatever. I know very little about what happened in the past year with her, and still don't know a lot. This was last night, we exchanged those words, so full of emotion. This morning, I talked with Tasha. My ex told me to send her the conversation that we had, and I did, I was going to anyways, we had no secrets from each other, the three of us ... or so I thought. I thought she would hate me, but she didn't, she still talked to me, we were still freinds Tasha and I... we were both worried about Cristina. We were both worried about ... 'us'. What 'us' was, we weren't sure, but it was more than nothing, it was something. Cristina said she was going to distance herself from both of us, and that hurt. I was use to it, Tasha, not so much. I went a year with barely a "hello" from her, and even then, it was invoked by messaging her frist. Now it gets a bit emo... NOW it gets a bit emo... as if it wasn't before.
-snipet- I was talking with my little sister, the morning of, before with Tasha. She's 13, 14 this Sunday. She, though younger than me, was of great help in me sorting out my feelings. She's not really my sister, an online freind, and we adopted each other. We do treat each other like we are family though, she's so cute about being not cute, it just makes her more cute. But back on topic...
Sacrifices: We were both scared, Tasha and I. We didn't know what to do now. She lost her best freind, I lost my once love interest. Was it for good? We didn't know. This realtionship, whatever it was, was causing trouble. We felt afraid, we felt scared, we felt ... well, we weren't sure. We were both confused. Neither would say the first word, about what does this do to 'us', but I had to ask, "I don't want to ... I don't want to risk losing it." I said, over the phone, as hard as it was. "Whatever we have between us, whatever "it" is, I don't want to give up." I can be selfish sometimes right? Its ok to think about myself sometimes right? I have these feelings, and I can't always kill myself like this, trying to deny it. I did it with my Ex, and as much as it hurt, its what she wanted, so I killed it, I buried it, deep, away, where it wouldn't interfere.
Resolution: We agreed, that we would try... to think of ourselves sometimes, as much as it would hurt Cristina, though she told us to be together, and that she wouldn't interfere, we both knew it would hurt her a bit. We both loved her, but we both love each other too. We don't know if this will be anything more than a bad mistake, but no matter what, we will always be freinds, as close as we are now. We might not always be in a relationship, we're both far too twisted and paranoid for me to say for sure, but dammit, I love her, and I'm going to try. It's my only goal in life, is to find Love. My quote, is "Love, above all things, and above all things, Love." We had fears of abandonment, paranoia, depression, suicidal tendencies, and all sorts of stuff, but we were willing to let go of them for long enough to say 'lets be together'. I think that means something, we care a lot for each other, chat about everything and anything, and my god, that's when I lose the Innocence. Thats when the Critiq, gets baaaaaaaaad. And I'm normally so good, aren't I? *pouts* Hmm?
EDIT: My mistake, it wasn't her counselor who gave her the handcuffs, it was her 16 year old freind from Alabama, mymy, this is all sorts of kinky. I swear, I'm going to get arrested for having the freinds I have one of these days. I need more freinds who are OLDER than me, not YOUNGER. Especially by these degrees. Thank god for blogger, I hope you are all 18+ at the very least, and if not, oh well, we can still be freinds haha. *blush*
posted by Anifanatic @ 1:49 AM
10 Comments:
wow...
but really, life isnt fun/interesting/challenging without drama now, is it o_O
Whoa. Are you okay? *pats your back* no offence to your buddy Cristina, but she is immature and selfish if she cannot let this go. She has no right to be "punishing" you guys. I don't mean to be mean, but it's a very childish thing to do, she's putting the spolight on herself as the "victim" but the crime hardly fits the punishment.
Honestly, from the outside looking in, I would agree with you, and even from my position, I would agree, but still, I believe she's got good reason for it. My life story pales in comparison to what's happened to hers, and we were very close at one point. But I agree, she is being selfish, but growing up, she didn't have anything, so I can understand, and even relate with her.
She's never been closer to anyone but me, and ... selfish, childish, fear driven, short sighted, whatever, she didn't want to be with me because she thought so very little of herself. She feared what would happen to us, if we became more than freinds, and didn't want to risk us. She feared that if we got together, everything would change... Tasha had similar fears, but heres was not as deeply rooted as Cristina's. I love them, both dearly, but I can only wait and hold on for so long. She had more darkness and fear in her life, so much that she kept me in the dark about most of it, fearing what I would think of her, not trusting me completely. Trust has betrayed her many times in the past.
Hers is a tragic story, and my story (if I ever tell it to you all, which I probably will) is overshadowed by hers. I truely feel sorry for her, and do really love her still, but you can't have secrets in a relationship, especially not as many and as big as the ones she keeps. There needs to be understanding and acceptance of who you both are, and who you both aren't. Drama Drama Drama. The history I have with her is super drama. I'm sure I'll tell those stories in due time too, but for now, I feel the air is thick with drama, and we can take a break from it. Throw on some crazy random pictures and whatnot, yay~ ^_^
well... All I can think of to make you feel better is to *hugz* you.
The hardest part, is being close to Tasha, but not too close. To be caring and think of her, but not to appear as too needy or helplessly attached. To care for her, but not obsess over her. To want to love her, but not smother her... damn, I just got all emo in here x_x
Wanting to care with all my heart, but not wanting her to feel guilty for making me sacrifice myself. Wanting her to know, I'd do anything for her, but not wanting her to feel bad for me sacrificing for someone she feels is 'unworthy'. Why do I always fall for people like that? =( Restless Dreamer, Hopless Romantic, these are my other often used screen names. Tragic Romance. heh If you can't tell, there's still some stuff being worked out, and hopefully it'll work out soon. ^_^;
...mhmm. i can see how cristina would get angry...but mon's right. if shes matured enough, she would rightly wish you both the best and be genuinely happy. but its only natural her first reaction is feel left out and hurt. its not a good time but things will work out by themselves. give cristina time. she'll come around eventually.
Why can't all posts involve bacon?
See? I was right to say you were scandalous after that concert, wasn't I? =P
Well, whatever you choose, SOMEONE's going to get hurt anyway. And you have to fight for what you want. Like what the rest said, if she's a true enough friend, she'll come to her senses and wish you two all the happiness in the world.
Yes, that's the issue now, that we're resolving. We're fighting for what we believe in. The other problem is, believing in what we believe in, we're working on that too. But we are going to try to see where this goes, even if it'll hurt people, because we feel it's right. ^_^:
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